Why am I in this fight?

“There’s no glory in war.”

Lots of people have said it, but it was a long lesson for me, the very imaginative daughter of a soldier, to learn. I rallied at the idea of a fight, was thrilled by opposition. I imagined myself a paladin kneeling before the lord, having vanquished metaphorical dragons. Mormon was my hero because there was something irresistibly Romantic about being the last individual standing for truth.

Then, one day, I reached for the thrill of the fight and felt nothing, only exhausted and sad.

I told my dad on the phone, “I used to get all excited about the fight for good, and now I’m just tired.” He, a retired army chaplain who knows a lot about both the literal and figurative subject, simply chuckled said something along the lines of, “That’s war.” It dawned on me that that is war. It’s tiring, painful, lasting, and generally not fun.

Then, recently, as I’ve come to better understand God’s love for his children, I’ve seen how little of the battle is in my hands. On the other side of that though, I’ve been feeling pretty useless. I know of God’s love. Woot. But I can’t put that into other people’s hearts. I can’t force them to seek and understand it. I try. Heaven knows, I try. But so far it feels like all that work goes nowhere. The Book of Ecclesiastes has been almost a mantra for me lately, “All is vanity.”

Then, I got into a short discussion over some moral cause with an old acquaintance, and it was like talking to a wall. I put a lot of my soul into the words, and I’m not sure they were even read. At the end of it, I was like, “You know what? God loves them and will figure it out. Why am I even bothering?”

I’d just read Go Set a Watchmen, and I related a little too much to Jean Louise, feeling a little crazy because I felt like the only person in the world with a certain perspective. But I love at the end of that book, where she’s stuck between how “I can’t beat them, I can’t join them” and then her uncle asks her if she’s thought of staying in Maycomb, which sounds insane after everything, but he points out earlier that it would make her a bigot to turn her back on her fellow humans because they don’t see what she sees. I loved it, because I love people, but how difficult. And would she really make a difference or just be miserable pressing against hundreds of years of history her whole life?

Then, I was reading the scriptures in Ether 8, and I was like, “Whatever...stuff about secret combinations...” until I read verse 23, which says, “it is wisdom in God that these things should be shown unto you that thereby ye may repent of your sins.” And verse 26 adds:

“I, Moroni, am commanded to write these things that evil may be done away, and that the time may come that Satan may have no power upon the hearts of the children of men, but that they may be persuaded to do good continually, that they may come unto the fountain of all righteousness and be saved.”

It struck me that Moroni was commanded to preach to bring salvation, so that others could hear and see and repent and receive the real glory of God. I forget sometimes that God has actually commanded us to share his truth. Doesn’t he even tell Isaiah and Jeremiah that no one will listen, while still commanding them to offer that chance? It’s like how Mormon is still my hero, but now because I admire his ability to stay strong in an impossible war. To love people who are empty and angry. To still be able to preach hope and charity when the world around you is utterly devoid of both? Dang. That’s strength.

So why do I fight? Why do I insist on testifying of harmony God’s love and God’s commandments?

When I asked my dad why I was even bothering, he said, “Perhaps because you love God, Jesus and the Truth and the liberator inside of you wants to free as many of God’s children from deception as possible.” I hope that’s true.

I don’t think I have some kind of monopoly on truth, but I know with conviction the tiny handful of things I do know. I don’t know what people think my motivation is. The glory of war? The satisfaction of being right? I hope it’s clear that the fight is not against people. “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood” (Ephesians 6:12), but it’s for people.

I told a close relative the pain I felt about people turning on a God who loves them and complicating their mortality in harmful ways, and the person was surprised, like they had no idea I knew how to be motivated by love, but that’s the whole thing! The only motivation that matters. I do this because I want people to be saved and feel God’s love. I want them to reach their potential. I want them to repent and feel the freedom of shedding their burdens, casting them on the lord. I want to give hope. And not a false hope, not just to get through this life. A real hope in eternity, that can only be found rooted in God’s commandments and our covenants. This life is so short, and there’s so much more we can grasp for.

So, I probably still suck at it (I'm learning everyday how to focus more on love and stay calm), but I hope I can continue to strive to be as much of a Christian Warrioress as I can, praying and seeking God’s will in the fight because here is no glory in war, but there is glory in victory of the cross. There is glory in love.